Fear - fessing up...Help, please :)

I haven't been blogging as much lately as I did in the early months of my switch to plantstrong. In part, it's because vegan eating has become my norm! But there is a second part...I have been falling off the plantstrong wagon :(

I have not gone back on the vegan, mostly. Oh, boy...but fessing up is good to get you on the right path.

Chips
Fried Rice and Eggrolls
Candy (no chocolate)
Cookies with Sugar and Chocolate Chip (yes, they are made with eggs, maybe butter, milk)
Sugar in Tea and Coffee
Nuts - cashews, peanuts (walnuts are ok)
Salad Dressing
Onion Rings

On one level, you might think - this is not awful. What's a little fried food, a little junk food, some sugar, oil, and some hidden animal product? Well it is a BIG DEAL!

I'm not being true to the plantstrong program - which is designed for my HEALTH.
I'm not succeeding by cutting corners.  I'm only cheating on myself.

On another level, you might ask - well, why would you do this? Is it just a slip or something else?
At first I told myself it was just a slip here and there. But then it clearly became a full-blown breakdown. I didn't want to admit it. I wanted to give into that emotional voice that kept saying - I NEED THIS FOOD to feel good, to feel safe, to feel like me.

And that, dear readers, is the crux of it. I am literally fighting myself - the old familiar me vs. the new me. Any dieter, any person who has faced a lifetime of weight issues, anyone who is trying to change something about themselves knows that it is very tough to do because you must get out of your comfort zone of familiar you.

But you also are breaking old neural patterns. For example...I have stress, I am anxious about work or something else...satisfy with food is my first response...so I go eat something that is comforting.  THAT is a pattern that must be broken and it is not easy.

For me, however, there is one more pattern to be broken - FEAR. I am terrified of succeeding, I am terrified of trying. I am terrified I will do it. I am terrified I won't. Fear = sabotage. I don't know if I want to fail or succeed, but I do know I am afraid. Fear means you resort to the familiar for safety. You eat. Fear means you let all your distractions rule your decision making. I'm stressed, I have a zillion things to do, I'm overloaded - so I eat. But underneath all this is a self-fear that says I should not succeed.

I guarantee that anyone who struggles with their weight struggles with self-sabotage. But for me, it goes beyond that. Because I have a voice that tells me I am not worthy. For all my accomplishments, for all my milestones, for all that I do and stand for, I have an inner voice that says, I am not worthy. And my weight is where that voice lays. And boy, has that voice been yammering at me over the last few months!!

So how do I overcome this and live as I truly want to?
1. admit and be aware of what is going on. check
2. challenge fear every day by recognizing it and facing it. very scary, but doable
3. make decisions, not reactions. Every time I eat I need to question it and decide if what I am about to eat is what I want to eat, what I need to eat for my health, not my emotions.   I know I can do that, because I have.
4. ask for help - that's what this is about.

5. SUCCEED - I'll get there.

So, if you read this post, please offer me a word of encouragement. That will help me. I realize that I cannot face my fears. make good decisions, live my hectic life, and break through my patterns by myself. I need encouragement as help. I need support as help. This is my ask.

Onward and Thanks!
<3

Mixing it Up!

One of the things that people say to me is, "don't you get bored eating the same things?" They say this because they have a very limited view of what vegans eat because they probably have a limited repertoire of their own when it comes to veggies. When I first started the vegetarian route I did have a limited menu. Over time, I broadened my horizons, but often fell back on junk food when I got bored.

Going to vegan and plantstrong was limited in the beginning too. But I promised myself I would try different things and try to cook as a means of actually creating a vegan palate! I continue to have success, although with a lot of trial and error. I see posts on Twitter and other blogs from beginning vegans who feel boxed in with their options, especially for eating out. You have to be patient in the beginning until your palate blossoms and things take on an enhanced flavor for you. I'm enjoying foods now that I never would have liked before because my palette can distinguish subtle flavors. When you are used to a lot of salt and fat, you can't taste the differences in a lot of subtle food preparations.

Today I had a wonderful home-made smoothie with fresh strawberries, banana, oj, and almond milk. There is no need for yogurt or ice cream or sherbert, just use ice. I can taste each flavor in the smoothie making it very enjoyable! Later I made a new dish with whole wheat elbow pasta, fresh tomato, salsa, corn, olive, and red peppers. A dash of apple cider vinegar is great! The dish thickens and the pasta cooks in the tomato and salsa juice as well as almond milk. Totally yummy!

No meat, no oil in these dishes. And the flavors in everything were just great! I learn to savor these flavors making eating very pleasurable - without eating junk, sugar, or oils.

I experiment a lot with whatever I have in the fridge. Trying different veggie combinations, using different ingredients for dressings, seasonings, and methods of cooking. I eat a lot of raw food, which is perfect as the weather changes. In the winter it is a lot of beans and soups. Now it's salads added to the mix.

One of my new favorite seasonings is turmeric, which is in the ginger family. I put it in salad dressing, I add it to chili, and it adds a wonderful new flavor. I can't describe it, so you will have to try it. Turmeric also has great health properties, which is why I tried it in the first place.

So mix it up and try new things, new combos, new spices, new methods. You won't be bored :)

Spring is Coming - Eat Well!!

Finally, the spring thaw is coming. Puts me in the mood for fresh food and cold food. In winter I can barely eat a salad. But as the temps climb, my menu broadens! Here's my celebration of spring today. Enjoy <3

And as food prices rise :(, organic choices may need to be made. I'm noting the items where it is a good use of your organic dollar to spend it. These foods give you the biggest result because they are most susceptible to pesticides. I'm really struggling with organic beans...$2.00 a can vs. 69cents for non-organic. Sigh.

Fresh Smoothie
Banana
fresh organic raspberries (berries are a priority for the limited organic budget)
OJ with pineapple (that's the kind I like)
Almond milk
ice

Puree the banana and raspberries with OJ
Then add ice and almond milk and smoothie it!

Garden Bean Salad (with canned and frozen until the garden bears)
Edamame
Black Beans
Kidney Beans
Sweet Corn
Red Pepper (fresh! and organic - another must on the limited organic budget)

Dressing:
1 Tbs Seasoned Rice Wine Vinegar
1 Tbs Tamari Sauce
1 Tbs (suite to your taste) fresh lemon juice
2 Tbs veggie broth (I don't use oil)
sea salt
pepper
tumeric
sesame seeds