Fear - fessing up...Help, please :)

I haven't been blogging as much lately as I did in the early months of my switch to plantstrong. In part, it's because vegan eating has become my norm! But there is a second part...I have been falling off the plantstrong wagon :(

I have not gone back on the vegan, mostly. Oh, boy...but fessing up is good to get you on the right path.

Chips
Fried Rice and Eggrolls
Candy (no chocolate)
Cookies with Sugar and Chocolate Chip (yes, they are made with eggs, maybe butter, milk)
Sugar in Tea and Coffee
Nuts - cashews, peanuts (walnuts are ok)
Salad Dressing
Onion Rings

On one level, you might think - this is not awful. What's a little fried food, a little junk food, some sugar, oil, and some hidden animal product? Well it is a BIG DEAL!

I'm not being true to the plantstrong program - which is designed for my HEALTH.
I'm not succeeding by cutting corners.  I'm only cheating on myself.

On another level, you might ask - well, why would you do this? Is it just a slip or something else?
At first I told myself it was just a slip here and there. But then it clearly became a full-blown breakdown. I didn't want to admit it. I wanted to give into that emotional voice that kept saying - I NEED THIS FOOD to feel good, to feel safe, to feel like me.

And that, dear readers, is the crux of it. I am literally fighting myself - the old familiar me vs. the new me. Any dieter, any person who has faced a lifetime of weight issues, anyone who is trying to change something about themselves knows that it is very tough to do because you must get out of your comfort zone of familiar you.

But you also are breaking old neural patterns. For example...I have stress, I am anxious about work or something else...satisfy with food is my first response...so I go eat something that is comforting.  THAT is a pattern that must be broken and it is not easy.

For me, however, there is one more pattern to be broken - FEAR. I am terrified of succeeding, I am terrified of trying. I am terrified I will do it. I am terrified I won't. Fear = sabotage. I don't know if I want to fail or succeed, but I do know I am afraid. Fear means you resort to the familiar for safety. You eat. Fear means you let all your distractions rule your decision making. I'm stressed, I have a zillion things to do, I'm overloaded - so I eat. But underneath all this is a self-fear that says I should not succeed.

I guarantee that anyone who struggles with their weight struggles with self-sabotage. But for me, it goes beyond that. Because I have a voice that tells me I am not worthy. For all my accomplishments, for all my milestones, for all that I do and stand for, I have an inner voice that says, I am not worthy. And my weight is where that voice lays. And boy, has that voice been yammering at me over the last few months!!

So how do I overcome this and live as I truly want to?
1. admit and be aware of what is going on. check
2. challenge fear every day by recognizing it and facing it. very scary, but doable
3. make decisions, not reactions. Every time I eat I need to question it and decide if what I am about to eat is what I want to eat, what I need to eat for my health, not my emotions.   I know I can do that, because I have.
4. ask for help - that's what this is about.

5. SUCCEED - I'll get there.

So, if you read this post, please offer me a word of encouragement. That will help me. I realize that I cannot face my fears. make good decisions, live my hectic life, and break through my patterns by myself. I need encouragement as help. I need support as help. This is my ask.

Onward and Thanks!
<3